


After Paris

by phoenixprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship/Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-24 12:03:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20358178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixprentiss/pseuds/phoenixprentiss
Summary: Set throughout season seven. Mostly canon, except JJ and Emily are involved together, but a lot of angst ensues, of course. JJ has to come to a decision between the life she wants, be it with Emily or with Will.





	1. Chapter 1

Upon seeing Emily in the doorway, standing there and looking so solemn, everything had finally come to an end. No more hiding the fact that she was alive, no more of the guilt she felt every time someone else was sharing their grief with her. Everything could be explained now, everything could come out into the open. Maybe things wouldn’t be perfect again just yet, but things could start to go back to normal. JJ felt an enormous amount of relief, but in an even stronger sense she felt an enormous ache in her heart. She hadn’t seen Emily since Paris and she’d nearly forgotten how much she missed her physical presence. Online Scrabble wasn’t enough, and now the pair wouldn’t be limited to wordplay.

JJ watched as Emily went around giving hugs and beginning to explain the ordeal. As much as she was beyond happy that Emily was finally home, she couldn’t help but remember that they still had to deal with Doyle, and that it was far from over. She didn’t want to be involved with it anymore; she wanted to be with Emily. To be home.

Their first moment alone came when they were in the hallway walking back to the bullpen. JJ was grateful for even just a little while with her. And she was so close; to have Emily close again was wonderful. She felt as though she was experiencing every emotion at once as they walked together with their arms around each other.

Once things came to a close, finally, she went home to Will and Henry. Everything felt normal, except now she could tell him, too. Keeping the secret from everyone really meant everyone; even if they weren’t even involved. But she wasn’t exactly sure how she should break the news to him; she wasn’t sure if he’d even care very much. He’d always been nice to Emily when they’d met, civil, but not so much warm and welcoming. Guarded, almost, which JJ’d never understood. As though he suspected something, which JJ tried not to over-worry about. But he’d been completely supportive as JJ grieved over her. Of course Henry would be ecstatic that his Aunt Emily was back, and she didn’t want to keep that from him. She hadn’t told him, in so many words, that she was dead, just that he wouldn’t be seeing her again.

She told Will first, after dinner. She explained it slowly, with most of the details included. She told him the truth, that when she’d gone to Paris to be with Emily at first it hadn’t just been another assignment from the state department. He was surprised, of course, but glad that the team could move forward. They talked for a little while longer after putting Henry to bed, until JJ got a text from Emily. It was under her old contact name, not an international phone number that she never added into her phone in fear of getting in trouble with the bureau.

Do you want to come over? I’ve been alone long enough. You could spend the night too. -E.

Before even asking Will, she responded, Of course. Be there in 20.

“It’s Emily. She wants me to spend the night because she doesn’t want to be alone.” JJ knew what it might entail but could only hope Will was oblivious to their past and that they were only friends. Because for the most part, that was the truth.

“That’s fine,” Will answered. “I can take Henry to school tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” JJ murmured as she stood up, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

She grabbed her go bag from work— it was already packed with overnight essentials. As she drove to Emily’s, knowing the way by heart, she couldn’t help but wonder what might happen.

When Emily answered the door, JJ’s heart fluttered. It had been seven months and she found that she’d grown accustomed to never seeing Emily. But here she was, in person, and they had the whole night to themselves.

JJ set her bag down by the door, and barely a second had passed before Emily pulled her into a hug. “I missed you so much,” Emily whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” JJ answered. “You didn’t have a choice.” They pulled apart a moment later, then at Emily’s suggestion moved to the couch to talk. JJ sat in her usual corner of the couch, and Emily, sitting right next to her, handed her a blanket.

“Please tell me how the team’s really feeling,” Emily said.

“I don’t really know. I know they’re all happy but also having to deal with the fact that none of their grief was real, when at the time, it was devastating.” JJ answered.”

Emily’s face fell. “God, I hate that. I hate thinking about the pain I caused you all. All because I went off to find him on my own.”

“None of us blame you,” JJ said softly. “I just think it’s going to be a little harder than we think to get used to it all again.”

Emily nodded but was looking away, and JJ reached out to take her hand. All she wanted to keep doing was touch Emily, just for further reminders that she was here again, and that JJ would never lose her again. Emily squeezed her hand. “Thank you for coming. I just… I didn’t want to be alone anymore, especially since Pen has Sergio. It’s so empty in here.”

“I remember the night that Penelope and I came to get him,” JJ said with a smile. “She was so distraught that day, it was one of the first weeks back after you were gone. She’d taken some vacation days but hadn’t adjusted just yet, but coming here to get Sergio seemed to cheer her up a little bit. And I almost told her that night, that you were alive, but I couldn’t. Not just because it was such a big secret but because I knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her mouth shut.”

Emily smiled in return, but it faded after a moment. “Thinking about her made me feel the worst. She’s been through so much already and I hated that I was the one causing her pain.”

“Then we really need to have a girl’s night soon,” JJ said. “The ones over the summer were never as much fun, I think we were both just trying to stay busy to keep our minds off of you, but it wasn’t the same.”

Emily nodded but remained quiet. Their hands were still linked, resting on the couch between them.

“I’m going to assume you won’t be sleeping on the couch,” Emily said, breaking the silence. This was a bold statement, and she wasn’t sure at first how JJ would respond. It was growing later, and she didn’t know how much longer they would talk for. She was mostly looking forward to finally getting to sleep in her own bed again.

JJ shook her head, feeling the tiniest bit of guilt. This wasn’t the first time she’d been unfaithful. Even before Emily had left, there’d been an occasion or two in shared hotel rooms after a stressful case. And of course, the week when JJ went along with Emily to Paris. Will knew about the time she spent with Emily, but he didn’t know what they did, and as far as he was concerned, they were only close friends and nothing more. The guilt was centered more on the fact that she stayed with Will despite her evident feelings for Emily. It was out of confusion; she didn’t know who to be with. While Emily was supposedly dead, it was so much easier to focus on Will. Now Emily was back in the picture, everything already felt radically different.

JJ knew how this would go. After folding up the blankets on the couch and turning off the lights, they’d get ready for bed, first pajamas then bathroom routines. JJ would take the left side of the bed where Emily never slept; Emily was always on the right. Whether they had sex or not it didn’t matter, but they’d spend the whole night with skin touching in some way or another. And JJ could never describe how truly comfortable she always felt.

Before they fell asleep, Emily turned over so that they were facing each other at the center of the bed. The lights were out and JJ could only barely see Emily’s face due to the little bit of light creeping through the windows. But she saw her mouth move as she whispered “Thank you,” and she watched as Emily moved forward, pressing a short kiss to JJ’s lips. Emily turned back to fall asleep and JJ moved so that she was laying on her back. Emily rarely expressed affection outside of their nights in hotel rooms; because outside of those nights they weren’t much of anything. Before she could dwell on it for long, though, she drifted off to sleep, her arm against Emily’s shoulder.

It had been seven months since they last heard each other’s voice, since they last touched, since they last fell asleep in each other’s arms. JJ felt all of her emotions—the grief, the loss, and the love—wrap into one: content.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's got some direct quotes from season 7 episode 6 "epilogue". I do not own this dialogue, it belongs to CBS.

The team as a whole slowly got used to working together again. It was a relief to have the strongest group again, with not just Emily having returned but JJ as well. Seaver was a good agent, but the team never felt the same with her. With the seven of them together, everything felt right again, and therefore they could fall back into the same routine as before, almost seamlessly.

And then the job took them to the Angeles National Forest, with an unsub forcing his victims back to life just after drowning them. It felt like any other case, to begin, where they were close to catching the unsub, especially since he was working in such a limited area. But in almost an instant, the entire mood changed.

Reid was talking about his experience with Hankel, so everyone was being respectful and patient. It had been five years but it was still a tough topic, and it was rarely mentioned. It wasn’t until Emily spoke up that JJ’s heart sunk. “I can relate to that,” She said, and at first, JJ was confused. As Emily continued to speak, JJ realized that she never knew the whole story of what Doyle did to Emily, and she wasn’t sure if Emily would be willing to tell even her.

“Um, Reid felt a warmth and saw a light. When I coded in the ambulance, all I felt was cold and darkness. And I’d like to think there’s a different future waiting for me.”

Spencer managed to form the words JJ couldn’t. “You actually died?”

Emily said nothing, but looked slightly uncomfortable and almost upset, and then Hotch decided to move on rather than focus on Emily’s story. Maybe it was for the best, so that their minds remained on the case, but JJ found herself unable to immerse herself back into the profile. She didn’t want to think about Emily now, didn’t want to think about how she actually died in March. And how Emily had obviously kept it from them because she didn’t want them to worry.

JJ forgot about it until that evening, when the two women were paired together to share a room. Due to budget restrictions, they’d started booking hotel rooms in pairs, and since Emily and JJ were the only women on the team that travelled, they always ended up sharing a room. It was only logical, but sometimes it became a little too perfectly convenient.

Unlike some of the rooms they’d shared before, this one actually had two beds. They were relatively quiet as they got ready for bed, JJ finished up in the bathroom first and left it for Emily. She unpacked her go bag, taking out her pajamas to change into and setting out tomorrow’s clothes. Once Emily emerged from the bathroom, already changed, Emily asked, “Are we sleeping together or separate?”

JJ didn’t know how boldness came over her as she said “Together.”

Emily moved toward the bed that JJ was folding her clothes on, pulling down the covers on the right side and slipping in, only to turn around and fix the pillows. As JJ watched, she remembered that Emily always needed several pillows.

JJ’s hands were shaking slightly and she started to shiver as she moved her bag against the wall. She had no idea what this night would amount to. She was surprised Emily even mentioned sharing a bed. She hadn’t made any mention of their kiss from a couple weeks ago, and the fact that they weren’t great at communicating didn’t help much either. JJ never wanted to bring up anything in fear that Emily wouldn’t talk about it, and she was sure that Emily was unsure of where JJ stood with Will. Things had the potential to get complicated, but as long as neither of them worried too much about it, everything should be fine.

JJ climbed into bed, only to realize she’d forgotten to turn off the light. She asked Emily if she would reach it and switch it off, but before Emily did, she paused, hesitating. It was almost like she wanted to say something before it was dark and they went to sleep, but couldn’t gather the courage to say it. But just a second later the room was dark and both women lay back.

Moments later, JJ heard her voice. “Are you asleep?”

“No.” JJ whispered.

There was silence until JJ spoke up again. “You actually died.”

“I meant to tell you sooner. I almost never told any of you, because everyone was so happy to have me back that I didn’t want to bring up very much about it. But it worked with what Reid was saying so I just went with it. I’m sorry.” Emily’s voice was soft as she spoke.

“It’s okay,” JJ answered. “I’m not upset that you didn’t tell me. It’s just…hard to think about.”

“I know.” Emily didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know if she should try and make her feel better. She couldn’t think of anything that JJ hadn’t already heard, anything that wasn’t a mindless reassurance. She moved her hand over underneath the covers and found JJ’s hand, holding on tight. JJ shifted onto her side so that she was facing Emily. JJ kissed her, drawing her face closer. She was rarely the one to initiate, which made little sense considering she was the one with the boyfriend and the son, the one having to take the risks to be with Emily.

The kiss deepened quickly and JJ found herself gasping for air. After seven months without seeing Emily she had grown accustomed to the regular intimacy she shared with Will. She’d forgotten how much she preferred not just being with Emily but being with a woman. Her lips, her skin, her touch were entirely more soft and gentle than anything she’d felt before, and she was reminded why these nights continued to happen.

Emily’s figure was as familiar as ever. JJ shifted her entire weight across the bed so that she was closer to Emily. The tension only escalated from there, until it stopped suddenly. Just as JJ’s hands found the hem of Emily’s shirt, Emily froze. JJ stopped as she remembered Emily’s brand. She’d seen it in Paris but it had been dark, and on the plane they hardly talked about it after the suggestion of a tattoo. Emily had only grown more and more self-conscious about in the past seven months, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for JJ to see it and the rest of her scars again.

“It’s okay,” JJ whispered. “We can stop.”

“No, keep going. Just… leave my shirt on.” Emily’s voice was soft but JJ couldn’t read any other emotion.

JJ moved upwards, pressing a kiss to the soft skin of Emily’s chest that wasn’t covered by her shirt, then moved away, returning to the rest of Emily’s clothes.

The night pulled them both back to the ecstasy they thought they might only ever know in Paris.


	3. Chapter 3

By now, Emily’s learned that life goes on. When you’re supposed to be dead but have to hide it from everyone you know, especially the people you’re closest to, all you can do is keep your mind off of it and stay busy. She wrote enough to fill two entire notebooks while she was in Europe, full of thoughts and memories and her feelings. Now that she was home, they were in a box under her bed, and she didn’t know when she’d be ready to look at them again.

She spent a good amount of her time then thinking about JJ. She didn’t want to, and she knew she shouldn’t. JJ was in a committed relationship with a good man and they had a son, but when the two women were together, it was easy to forget, and JJ never made any effort to remind her.

They’ve only slept together the one time since Emily came home, as if by an unspoken agreement that things were different now. Both of them have grown while Emily was dead, both growing apart, in a way that neither wanted to acknowledge. JJ could only turn toward her boyfriend when she was grieving, and Emily had to learn once again to be independent. Emily wanted to know if JJ was in for more than what they’d been up to, but didn’t want to be the one to bring it up in case she wasn’t.

Between cases, Emily and JJ hardly came in contact at all. The girls’ night that had been mentioned weeks ago hadn’t been planned. Emily didn’t want to shut herself out but for some reason, she didn’t know what else to do.

One evening, Emily had just settled down on her couch with a glass of red wine when the doorbell rang. She sighed as she set her glass down on a coaster and stood up; her heart rate increasing involuntarily as she saw through the peephole that it was JJ.

“Hey,” JJ said quietly.

“Come in,” Emily answered. “Can I get you anything? Water? Wine?”

JJ shook her head. “No thanks.” After a short pause, she said, “I was just wanting to talk.”

“Alright,” Emily replied. “Sit down.” JJ took a seat in her usual spot just like she had the first night that she came over.

“You actually died.” 

“I know.”

“I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn’t think about it as much as I do because it was so long ago and you’re here now but that doesn’t stop it from sneaking back into my head at the worst times.”

“JJ, I’m sorry. But… I don’t know how to make it better. What I do is, I try not to think about it, which definitely isn’t the healthiest option, but I’ve been fine so far. For now.” Emily regretted her choice of words as soon as she said them; they sounded blunt and harsh and insensitive. Which was the opposite of how she wanted to present herself to JJ.

JJ sighed, and Emily could tell she was the slightest bit hurt, and then JJ spoke up. “It almost tore me apart to watch everyone grieve over you as if you were actually dead while knowing that you weren’t and not being able to do anything about it. And then you come back and just as things are beginning to feel normal again, I find out that you actually died and maybe my grief wasn’t for nothing. Even if it was just for a moment that you were dead it makes me rethink everything because I don’t know how to process it because it forces me to imagine life without you. And that’s not something I want to ever have to deal with.”

Emily couldn’t find words to say. Every point JJ was making was perfectly valid and understandable, but still Emily didn’t know how to make things better. It was in the past and she was alive now. “You say this as if we have a life together. But JJ, you’re not mine.”

“What?”

“What I mean,” Emily continued, “is that you have Will. Even if you call occasional sex and affection a relationship I’m still the ‘other woman’. And… I can tell from your despair right now that maybe you don’t want me to be. So I want to say one thing. I’m willing. I’m willing to be with you if you end it with Will. But I’m done with you cheating on him and then expecting me to always be here for you. I can’t go on with this if you’re going to continue to keep secrets from him and always run to me. I’m sorry if this offends you but I think it finally needed to be said out loud.” Emily couldn’t understand why she was being so cold; it even surprised her. JJ was obviously distraught and Emily was acting indifferent. But her words were true and she needed to get them out there before JJ tried to turn her angst into something else.

“I know.” JJ’s voice was hardly a whisper. “Believe me, I know. I feel guilty about it every day.”

Then why haven’t you done anything? Emily thought.

“I’m sorry.” Emily was quiet. “I should’ve either not told the team at all or told you before the rest of them. It was horrible timing to just spring it on you all in the middle of a case but I thought it might be helpful at the time. I’ve made plenty of choices in the last year that were regrettable. Please don’t be mad at me about this one.”

“It’s okay.”

“You sure?”

JJ nodded.

After JJ left, Emily took a long drink from her glass, sighed, and leaned back into her couch. Since when were things such a mess? She closed her eyes and in her mind she went back to Paris, when, despite the situation, almost everything was perfect. There was no angst and they talked about everything as they made love in the tiny apartment Emily had been given.

Emily spent the whole summer thinking she was in love with JJ. The notebooks that were under her bed contained so much about the blonde, and that was part of the reason she wouldn’t touch them. Because by the end of the summer, she’d convinced herself that the love she felt was only in the heat of the moment, when JJ was one of the few people that knew she was alive and when JJ came to Paris with her. She knew deep down that nothing further would ever happen despite what they’d done because JJ would inevitably return to Will. And she had.

But as Emily took herself back to the springtime, she couldn’t help but remember how good everything felt even though she was so upset over Doyle and the team. Emily stood up slowly from her couch, pulling herself from her mind, walking gently toward her bedroom. She found a pen on her dresser and sat down at the side of her bed, pulling out the shoebox that held two leather-bound notebooks. Taking the second one in her lap, she flipped to a page after the last entry from Paris. She scrawled the date at the top, and then she wrote,

_I am in love with JJ because no woman will ever love me in the same way. No one will ever treat me the same way she does or care as much about me. And I can’t lose that._


	4. Chapter 4

Both women knew, even long after that evening, that the conversation wasn’t over. Something hadn’t settled quite right, no conclusions had been drawn. It was only a matter of time before Emily invited JJ back over, this time for dinner.

But even then, it was only a matter of time before they could stop avoiding the conversation over their pasta. Things hadn’t been awkward between them at all, no, not at work. Work was the only place they could find some sense of normalcy, a set routine in which their input balanced with each other’s and they worked towards one goal. Now that they were alone, everything was less clear, less concrete. It was up to them now to figure things out rather than have their decisions be dictated by the actions of an unsub.

“I’ve been thinking,” JJ began, biting the bullet for the both of them. “A lot. And I wish I could have come here with a better answer but I am still so confused.”

Emily didn’t say anything this time, remembering how when they’d talked that first evening her words had come out harsher, more unfriendly than she was intending. She didn’t want to make the same mistakes this time, say the wrong thing or turn JJ away. She just needed to listen.

JJ sighed, exasperated, looking up at the ceiling before looking back at Emily. “You’re right about the fact that you died. It’s in the past now and I need to forget about it.” She paused. “Emily, I think I love you. No, I don’t think it, I know it. I love you. But I can’t just drop Will and Henry right now because of that, and I think you know that. 

“Falling in love with you doesn’t mean I fell out of love with him.”

As Emily heard and then processed those last words, she felt a lump in her stomach. Of course. Of course. It couldn’t be perfect. No, just because Emily loved JJ didn’t mean that it was going to work out with a fairytale ending.

But Emily didn’t get a chance to think for long, didn’t get a chance to grow angry with JJ for being so indecisive. JJ continued to talk.

“And that’s where I am so beyond confused. I don’t know if I am in love with him or if I am in love with the idea of him. You know, stability. A normal family.”

Emily couldn’t hold herself back this time. “And I’m unstable.” The part about a normal family? Was it because of the job? Or was it because Emily was a woman and Will was a man; Will being the last puzzle piece in her perfect, heterosexual family? JJ had proven to Emily time and time again that she herself wasn’t heterosexual, that that ideal was never going to be possible. Emily suddenly decided she didn’t want to hear about this anymore. She didn’t care about Will, she never had, she just knew to shut up and be nice around him because JJ loved him and that was the only thing that mattered.

“No, I mean… yes. And I don’t mean it in a bad way. Being with Will is so easy because he doesn’t deal with the same things we do at work. It’s easy to vent to him and have that be enough.”

It felt to Emily that JJ didn’t actually understand the words coming from her mouth. How could she come here and tell Emily she loved her, only to then say, essentially, that they couldn’t be together? Only because of the job? How could JJ march in here and bring work into it again, into a place where it should matter the least?

“And then there’s Henry…”

But Emily had had enough. “I know. I get it.” She said, not caring how curt she sounded.

“I’m sorry.” JJ said, and with that, stood up to clear her dishes. Emily only felt that the entire situation was even further unresolved. And she didn’t know what to do to fix it, because at the same time that she didn’t want to believe JJ’s words, she still felt hopelessly, devastatingly in love. JJ went from confessing her grief over Emily’s death to justifying her relationship with Will. Even though Emily needed from JJ a solid answer, a yes or a no, she still knew she would do whatever JJ asked, and she hated herself for it.

Together, they did the dishes in silence; JJ volunteering to wash them since Emily had cooked, Emily standing beside and drying everything off. It was just another painful example to Emily of how well they worked together. She craved this type of domesticity every day, not just one evening. For as long as Emily had known she liked women she had longed for the day where she would live with her partner, her wife, and everything would be normal. JJ was making that so difficult to reach, giving her this glimpse without guaranteeing it.

Emily offered wine, after dinner, carrying the bottle and two glasses to her coffee table. It was becoming a routine of sorts, conversations on the couch where they were more comfortable. Emily sat down, leaning forward to pour the wine into each glass. Rather than taking her usual corner, however, JJ sat next to Emily, close enough that their thighs touched and Emily’s breath hitched. She turned, handing JJ one of the glasses. They each took a long drink, but Emily set down her glass first, opting then to look at JJ, into the oceans she held in her eyes. They were still flush against each other, and Emily gently placed one hand on JJ’s thigh.

JJ set down her glass with shaking hands and looked to Emily. Emily felt she had no control over her body as her hands moved toward JJ, one sliding further up her leg, the other cradling her cheek. It was no surprise when they started to kiss, the meeting of their lips all too familiar. Emily suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to cry, just from knowing that this felt so right but that still… nothing was clear yet.

JJ reclined on the couch, and Emily didn’t hesitate before moving on top of her as their kiss deepened. Breaking away from JJ’s lips, Emily moved her mouth to her neck, reveling in the short, quiet gasps that came from JJ.

In a natural progression, Emily’s hands found JJ’s waist, untucked her shirt from her jeans, and went to slide up her stomach. But this is when JJ stopped, when JJ said no, when Emily removed her hands and pushed herself back, away from JJ. 

“I can’t. I have to go home.”

“To Will.”

“Yeah.”

Emily knew she could protest, could make things worse and more tense than they already were. And for a moment, she considered it. But she thought if she did that, she might lose JJ forever. So Emily did what she did best: continued to be passive. Let the moment go.

JJ gathered up her things and thanked Emily for dinner with a kiss on the cheek. When she left, Emily sat on her couch for a long time, finishing her glass of wine, but pouring out JJ’s into the sink. She didn’t want to think about wine, she didn’t want to think about JJ. Except all she could do was think about JJ.

She didn’t cry. She thought she might, but she didn’t. She fell asleep, her cheek pressed into the cushions of the couch, because it was starting to smell like JJ again. And it was then that Emily realized she hadn’t actually told JJ that she loved her. Not yet. But she had already done what she could. She had offered a life together. JJ still couldn’t figure out what she wanted, and Emily was starting to feel like she was choking more and more every day because of it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've watched Hit/Run so details might be a tiny bit off !

The bank tore through the team like few other cases had. Harrowing for each and every one of them, it hardly felt real that it was actually over. For Emily, especially, risking her life against the bombs strapped to Will.

Will. Yes, she knew it was her job, but as she worked to defuse the explosives, she couldn’t help but notice the bitter irony of the situation. She had to save Will, because if JJ lost Will, Emily couldn’t even conceptualize what would happen. But if they lost Will, the explosion would take Emily with him, taking from JJ both people she claimed to love.

For JJ, the stress of the situation alone, the thought of losing Will, was enough to make her say yes when he asked, again, if she would marry him.

For Emilly, the stress shrugged off a little more easily. She’d been through hell during the last year, and the bank only piled on top of that. She carried the stress as she compartmentalized it. This was why, the evening that they all finally got to rest easy at home, she found herself thinking for a millionth time about JJ. God, she really needed to find something to keep herself occupied so JJ could stop slipping into her mind. But she thought. She thought as she ate, she thought as she cleaned up. About everything she said, in the past few weeks, all of the empty promises JJ made.

Emily had offered a life. A relationship. At this point, she was just waiting. Hoping for a yes, but more than anything, just waiting for any kind of answer.

What she didn’t realize, however, was that that answer was ready for her, just that night.

Will made no protest when JJ suggested that she should go over and check on Emily, because, after all, Emily had just saved his life. JJ found herself bursting with feelings that she couldn’t describe: a mix of nerves and excitement. She took a deep breath before knocking on Emily’s door, wondering if this might be the last time, for a long time, that she did so.

Emily answered the door looking worn out. Comfortable clothes on, hair pulled up, looking as though the exhaustion of the day had manifested in her entire physical being. JJ knew the feeling. Sometimes there were those cases you couldn’t just ignore.

Emily looked surprised to see her, obviously not expecting any company. So JJ stepped inside, trying to smile reassuringly. “I just wanted to check in,” She said. “See how you were doing.” It sounded stupid out loud. Why would Emily need to be checked on? She was a grown woman. Now JJ felt like she shouldn’t be here, that somehow she was intruding. She tried to shove her nerves aside. She was here as a friend.

And nothing more, after tonight.

“I’m doing fine,” Emily replied, returning the same reassuring smile.

“I just… today was a lot.” Several different things ran through JJ’s brain on what to say next. But none of them were the right thing. They suggested too much, showed just a little too much care. JJ was here to draw things to a close, not keep things up in the air.

I didn’t know if you wanted to be alone. I just wanted to make sure you were destressing okay.

“Yeah. But I’m okay. I was probably going to go to bed a little early.”

They were still standing in the entryway, Emily with her arms crossed, as though she was sheltering herself, and JJ holding onto the strap of her purse. A moment of silence hung in the air, pushing JJ to move.

JJ walked over to the couch, her shoes echoing on the hardwood floor. Rather than taking her familiar place on the couch, however, she sat on the arm of the couch, and Emily stood in front of her, somehow expecting that something was coming.

“Will asked me to marry him.”

A beat passed. “And?”

“I said yes.”

“Okay.” Another beat. “Congratulations.”

Emily didn’t remember the rest of the conversation. Something about de-stressing after the case, what they were going to do next. Wedding plans, even. Why should she pay attention?

The worst part was that JJ didn’t even mention her. No I can’t be with you, just, I’m going to be with Will. I’ve chosen Will. I don’t need you anymore. She didn’t even phrase it like she’d made up her mind or anything, just that Will was it.

Now, obviously that wasn’t how JJ said it, but that was sure as hell how it felt. Why was everything happening in this way? When Emily’d thought about how badly she wanted an answer, she didn’t know if she wanted it anymore, now that she knew what it was.

Emily wanted to cry, wanted to destroy something, wanted to let her anger out in any way possible. But she didn’t, because she knew at this point that there was no use. She was numb by now, going back and forth between being with JJ and not being with her. It was real this time, though. JJ was never going to be hers. Emily had handed JJ her heart, given her all of her vulnerability, and JJ held on to it for a little while, before she turned around and gave it right back. The worst part was that it seemed like JJ didn’t care. As though she’d never been the one to initiate their nights together or hadn’t been here just weeks ago saying she loved Emily.

Where had that all gone? Emily couldn’t fathom it. They’d had so much. Now they had nothing. And above everything, she found herself spiting Will. If only JJ had never dated him in the first place. If only Emily had been clearer in her demands sooner, that JJ had to choose between them. That never would have happened, because every time they were together, Emily was beyond lost in love, no chance for rationality or logic.

Suddenly, Clyde’s offer didn’t seem too far-fetched of an idea.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short ending!

Before JJ was in her dress, before they were even en route to Rossi’s, Will stopped her in their bedroom, as she went rushing around their home trying to find everything she needed to get ready.

“Hey. Sweetheart.”

JJ only raised her eyebrows, too preoccupied to say anything.

“I just wanted to ask if you were sure. About everything.”

A tiny second passed before JJ said, her face relaxing, “Yes. Yes, I’m sure. Aren’t you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course I am.”

With that, Will released her. He could only hope JJ was being truthful. He didn’t want to rush her, or even force her into this, but she seemed certain. That was all he could ask for. He pushed his doubts out of his mind and went on to help JJ with the preparations.

Emily’s first thought was that the wedding was beautiful. Even if it had been put together last minute, even though she’d rather be practically anywhere but here, she had to admit that everything, the glowing lights and decorative flowers, were perfect.

It was one evening. She could make it through. Especially since—thank god—they were serving drinks. Taking a deep breath as it began, she told herself for the umpteenth time that she was going to be okay. That she was happy for JJ.

Emily had known for a while. She’d known JJ would ultimately end up with Will. The thought had nagged at her from the back of her mind for months, but she pushed it away, choosing instead to hope she was wrong, that JJ would choose her instead. While she knew that JJ would stay with Will, she hadn’t expected it all to unfold like this: that JJ would bring things to a close because she was marrying Will. It was the ultimate choice JJ could make, with no clearer indication to Emily that things were over between them.

Still, though, Emily knew she would never forget the look in JJ’s eyes, how sincere she sounded, when JJ told her she loved her. It was as though everything she had said… hadn’t been real.

Now she had to sit here, calmly, patiently, while JJ professed her love to someone who wasn’t her. Maybe this evening wasn’t going to be easy.

And then Emily heard the words that broke her heart.

“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3


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